hard days

It seems like the stress of life here feels small like someone has asked you to carry a pebble. but there are 10.5 million people in this city. and suddenly before you know it，you are carrying around thousands of pebbles and it feels like you are carrying a boulder. let me be clear i am not，as far as i know，even talking about carrying the people around me in prayer. truly，it is my own selfish problems，concerns，worries，and hardened heart that weigh heaviest on me. 

i feel weak and broken again today. i confess that i may not be strong enough to do this. what is amazing is how fast and out of nowhere these helpless and hopeless feelings come upon me. 

i confess i am worried about money and not choosing to trust in the Provider who Got me here to begin with. i feel like i have something to prove to all of you，i think. i am not asking for money. i am talking about my emotions.

i confess that i am mourning the loss of community in Brookhaven and the barrenness of community here. 

i confess that this may have been a mistake but i really hope it wasn't. both for my pride and for the sake of the adventure i was seeking. 

i confess that connecting to God on my own is really difficult. i cannot get out of my own way. i am listening to Shane and Shane Hymns 2，and i cannot muster praise. i am filled with woe. i would rather be filled with awe. "you alone are my hearts desire." its just not the truth. my desires are： uninterrupted internet so i can watch Netflix，a friend to explore this city/nation with and to talk to，to experience adventure and have cool God experiences, etc.

you see the problem is i know the answers. i know how to fix my problems. i know i need to go low，to bend my knee，to seek first the Kingdom, to be in communion，to abide，etc. why is it so hard to do it again？God forgive us stubborn，independent and rebellious people. Forgive me!

God i confess, "if ever i needed thee，tis now."

self sufficiency is not the answer. perhaps this is all intercession for this secular place. perhaps, this is what everyone here struggles with. i have no answers within me. God，i confess for myself and this nation that we NEED you. you are our only hope. you are the only thing that will save us. 

"turn your eyes upon Jesus. look full into his wonderful face and the thing of earth will grow strangely dim，in the light of his glory and grace." such truth here. always been one of my favorites. 

God，help me to turn my eyes to you and to get caught away with you. 

"my jesus，i love thee，i know thou art mine. For thee，all the follies of sin，i resign. my gracious redeemer，my savior art though. if ever i loved (needed) thee，tis now...."


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