Living the Dream

As anthropologists, our dream is to dive head first into another culture so that we can experience the other.   It is this dream that pushes us through school and informs our choices along the way. We save sacrifice certain pleasures in one life so that we can have money for traveling to live another life. We research packing lightly and traveling efficiently. We know how to sleep on planes and trains, so that we can make the most of the daylight offered to us in our desired locations. We know basic phrases in many languages, and have an ear to pick up the new ones to add to our tool belt. For many of us, much of life is spent in a constant state of wanderlust, always dreaming of the next opportunity to experience something new. We crave paradigm shifts like most people crave potato chips. We love the revelatory journey of interacting with people who have experienced life differently. Whether we are studying linguistics, gender roles, religious practices, or online social structures, we all know that the information we need cannot be found in the comfort of our own homes and our own lives. We are always forced to look externally for new truths to be revealed. 

I have carried a dream for many years to live in China. Some seasons that passion lied dormant and others it burst forth like a dandelion growing out of cracked cement. In February of 2019, my dandelion broke ground and once again started to thrive. I made my plans and eventually moved to Suzhou, China at the end of August. From February to August, I lived in the dreamy glow of the unknown. I ate American Chinese food and wondered at what food in China would really be like. I watched Youtube videos and dreamed of seeing Chinese opera first hand. I swooned at pictures of pagodas, Chinese artwork drawn on fans, and golden dragons floating through the air. 

I arrived in Suzhou, a city just outside of Shanghai, that boasts 10.5 million inhabitants, and was caught off guard. Practically, to house that many people in a small space, you have to build houses on top of each other. The modern apartment buildings are lined up like dominoes and continue mile after mile (or technically kilometer after kilometer). I was in an urban jungle. Concrete and steel adorn every surface. In the Gusu District, where I live and work, most of the buildings have a twenty to thirty year wear on them. The oppressive grey combined with the dingy, mildewy, and just plain dirty streets and buildings, feel like a giant masterpiece developed just to visually express hopelessness. I confess, my dreams of China were shattered. I was confronted with my own fetishism of Ancient China, and the steering disappointment I felt when encountering modern China. This was highlighted when I went to visit several tourist destinations and saw the fetishism of Ancient China on display in the shops, selling them pieces that embody Ancient China as though it is a trinket. I was delighted and disgusted at the same time. Delighted because it reinforced my own fetishism and disgusted because I know better. 

When we trivialize a culture to a specific genre or moment in time, we completely diminish the vast beauty that is found in the continued history that is living in this very moment. If my true goal was to get to know what life is like in China, then I have to embrace the urban jungle that is Suzhou, while also embracing that there are pockets where Ancient China is still celebrated. I can go visit Pingjiang Road, The Humble Administrator's Garden or Tiger Hill, and experience the artistry of Ancient China. However most of my days are spent amidst steel and concrete, with occasional bursts of red. The power color of Chinese red polka-dots the depressing landscape through flags, banners, and electronic signs. There is one electronic sign that says REDREAM. The "Re" is in red and dream is in black. It communicates both the ideas of a Red-Dream, and a chance to re-dream. It tells passers by that the constant Red Dream of Communism is permanent, but it also casts hope for a new dream to emerge for China. 

For modern Chinese, this is the question they live with every day. Even today, as they celebrate the 70th anniversary of the founding of the People's Republic of China, the ever-present question is which dream will they carry with them. Perhaps more pointedly, it is a question of how they will balance the Red Dream of old and the opportunity to re-dream a new future. It is played out in their geography as well. The dream of urban development pushes forward preparing for more people to move into this industrial city. As the new comes in, the ancient is minimized and relegated to pockets in the city. There is a tension everyday for modern Chinese between the growth of a new economy and a love for their ancient traditions. There is a tension between the heavy hand of communism and the hope for a brighter future. There is a war displayed in their passionate nationalism and their love of all things American. The both love and hate America for what she represents. 

I too feel the tension. Living in China is not what I dreamt it would be. I believe I longed for the more ancient and pastoral scenes of China, and it would have been infinitely more difficult to live in those settings. Instead, I am in the urban jungle miles away from the nearest foreigner. The food is delicious, by the way. I don't know how to shed my disappointment with China. Again, it's not that China is disappointing. It's the disappointment that my dreams of China are not real. China as she is, is amazing. It is everything you hope you'll find in a cross-cultural experience. Nevertheless, I remain acutely aware that fetishism is ruining my appreciation of the China that I live in. Fetishism is obscuring my view and keeping me from appreciating what is in front of me. I don't know how to shed my fetishized views of China and emerge as a new and better anthropologist, who can see the wonder and beauty of modern China. For me, china is living the dream. But just like China, that dream is full of tension and confusion on which reality or expression of that dream I will live in each day.