Confession

When I wanted to go on an adventure with God to China, so that we could do that cool thing where I unravel and he shows up and I meet God in a new and fresh way and I feel alive again, I really thought the underlying pretext of the plan was that I would stay in China for a year. God totally psyched me out and flipped the script by giving me adventure in spades by causing all my dreams to fall apart and for me to now be sleeping in my friends' kids bedroom, while I figure out what the next step is. From this vantage point adventure is for the birds and I want my old comfy predictable existence back. 

Funny how adventure and trusting God was perfectly ok with me, if it came on my terms aka China, but doing the "trusting God on an adventure" in America suddenly makes me want to call the whole thing off. Almost makes me wonder if perhaps, I was not really interested in the trusting God part of the adventure, just the international Traveller portion. So basically, I am telling God I will meet you or seek your face only if you meet my terms. As Dr Phil would say, "how's that working for you?" 

Not so great, Dr Phil, not so great. 

I quite frankly don't want God's plan for my life. I want my plan. I have always known that I have a deep dark rebellious streak in me. I've mastered the art of behavior modification and making appearances. I wish I could tell you that this was the first time I came to a crossroads of whether I will be my knee or not. But I can't. I don't know why I don't ever fully surrender but I don't. The problem is, I know better. I know that the longer I delay this, the more painful it will be. I know that God is long-suffering and patient until he is not and he says fine, have it your way. And you make choices and the consequences rain down like a volcano erupting and then you cry uncle. 

I don't want to go down that road. So I confess God, I don't know how to surrender. I dont know how to do what needs to be done. Help me get to the place of surrender. Help me to quit kicking against the goads. Help me to get to a place of trust again. Help me to not lose my ever loving mind. 

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